Sitting in bed watching “Eat, Pray, Love” while attempting to write a paper may not seem like the most productive use of time, but it’s given me an idea, an epiphany of sorts. In the movie Liz and her Roman friends are discussing what word describes the places they’re from. Her new Swedish friend asks “What’s your word Liz?”. She can’t answer the question and her friend tells her that maybe she’s a woman in search of a word. Maybe I too am a woman in search of a word. How can you know who you truly are when you let the actions and words of others define you? This semester hasn’t been easy and it’s not getting any easier. It started with a bad roommate which led to losing someone I thought was a good friend all mixed with failed relationships and heart ache. Too many nights spent alone wondering why I’m alone and why I’m not ok with being alone, but maybe that’s not the real question. Maybe the real question is who am I? who do I want to be? Just me, no one else, because no one else can decide for me. That betraying friend, that bad roommate, those selfish guys. I need to find my own word, one that I come up with and nobody else because the only word that comes to mind now is lost. “Ruin is the road to transformation.”
Also that friend that I talked about having sushi with in a previous post who was also experiencing man problems…she now has a boyfriend…#foreveralone. Also my mom has this new weird obsession with me needing to get back together with my ex. I’m still trying to process this…ranting blog post and thoughts to come later. (Stay tuned. Same bat time, same bat channel.)
Falling in love hurts, it’s painful and raw and exposes our greatest vulnerability. They might as well call it tumbling into love, getting shoved into love, tripping and twisting an ankle into love…you get the picture. As women we are expected to be emotional, passionate creatures that swoon when we look into a man’s eyes…false. I’m not going to pull a Scarlett O’hara and toss myself down a staircase because I’m distraught that my lover has left me or make a dress out of curtains to try to win him back. I’ve always been very independent and pretty clumsy when it comes to expressing my emotions, but for some reason when it comes to men I just can’t seem to control myself. Why? I honestly don’t know. I never had “daddy issues” and wanted to run off to Vegas to become a stripper…excuse me, “exotic dancer”. And one of my biggest pet peeves is overly clingy women who are dependent on men for everything. Ever since coming to college my love life has been like Dante’s 7 circles of hell. Every circle is full of worse and worse men and I always tell myself I won’t fall prey to another jerk, but it always happens. I think oh he’ll be different, he seems so sweet…nope…they’ve all been the same and every time it’s a slap in the face. In spite of myself it’s happening again…I’m falling for someone…he seems so amazing, but I’m so scared that it’s going to be another tripping and twist an ankle kind of love instead of a gentle falling into his arms kind of love.
So I’m actually posting on time…I know shocker right? Here it is.
Felt this before
Stomach empty pit,
Will he stay will he leave?
Seeming perfection, godlike, my Adonis.
Will he be like the rest?
Always some flaw.
Heart a constant scar never seeming to quite heal, never fading.
Will you be the salt on the wound?
Afraid to love, just let go, what is there to lose?
Tell myself it’ll be the last .
Wanting to be alone, but it’ll never let me be.
Not needing anyone, just me.
Loneliness creeping in…here it goes again.
So I know this is super late, but too many things are going on in my life right now and it’s overwhelming so without further ado here is the much belated poetry tuesday installment…
Together we’re whole
Apart only distance
Distance makes the heart grow fonder! so they say.
Or makes the heart wander…so they also say.
Been gone for so long and still call me baby?
I still want you…maybe?
Truth is…I have wandered.
Truth is…I have strayed.
But what were/are we really?
You didn’t claim me, now can’t tame me
Heart an eager adventurer, head a skeptic hermit
No matter what I say/do…still there, never straying.
I miss you baby.
I miss you too?
Maybe I really do need you