And so I find myself paralyzed by loneliness again…it’s this overwhelming feeling that wells up inside and makes me unable to do anything. I have all the things in the world to do and yet all I can make myself do is rant about my feelings. Maybe it’ll help me be productive again. I’ve become completely disillusioned with my job and my classes don’t excite me. Every day I have this feeling like I’m slowly falling and I can’t stop. It’s not like I don’t have friends, but something is missing…I don’t know what exactly, but something. Periods of time come where I feel perfectly happy and satisfied with my life, but then I sink back into my feeling of falling. It takes every ounce of strength to not spend the entire day sitting in a corner and crying. I try to tell myself positive things like Hey at least you don’t have Ebola!, but nothing seems to help.
No matter what I do I just feel like it’s not good enough so I’ve decided to just do what I have to and hope no one will notice. Every day I feel stretched thin, like I’m being pulled in all directions. No matter how much sleep I get I’m tired and on edge. I’m wound tight, a rubber band slingshot that could snap at any moment. How much longer can I hold on before I snap? I hope no one is around when I do.