So I’m actually posting on time…I know shocker right? Here it is.
Felt this before
Stomach empty pit,
Will he stay will he leave?
Seeming perfection, godlike, my Adonis.
Will he be like the rest?
Always some flaw.
Heart a constant scar never seeming to quite heal, never fading.
Will you be the salt on the wound?
Afraid to love, just let go, what is there to lose?
Tell myself it’ll be the last .
Wanting to be alone, but it’ll never let me be.
Not needing anyone, just me.
Loneliness creeping in…here it goes again.
So I know this is super late, but too many things are going on in my life right now and it’s overwhelming so without further ado here is the much belated poetry tuesday installment…
Together we’re whole
Apart only distance
Distance makes the heart grow fonder! so they say.
Or makes the heart wander…so they also say.
Been gone for so long and still call me baby?
I still want you…maybe?
Truth is…I have wandered.
Truth is…I have strayed.
But what were/are we really?
You didn’t claim me, now can’t tame me
Heart an eager adventurer, head a skeptic hermit
No matter what I say/do…still there, never straying.
I miss you baby.
I miss you too?
Maybe I really do need you
In the immortal words of Johnny Cash “because you’re mine I walk the line” (also a very good movie). But does someone really have to be yours to “walk the line”? I walk a line with men that aren’t mine. There’s always that invisible line in the sand that I can’t seem to cross. Guys are super complicated and I have yet to master the art of reading them (if any woman is a guru on this please help). I really like a guy and I think he’s showing signs that he likes me and we had a thing for awhile so he should still like me because I still like him, but did he ever really like me that much in the first place…? You know the drill, and yet I can’t just go up to him and say “Hey you! Do you still like me? I hope you do because every time I see you I undress you with my eyes.” I feel like as a woman I should have every right to do that and yet if I did it would be too bold and blunt and probably send the guy running for the hills. (because sadly this isn’t a lifetime movie) So I wait around for him to make a move and agonize over every little thing he does and says. I have to keep that balance between being too shy and risk him being the one that got away, but not be too blunt and un-classy and risk scaring him off…I walk that line. But is walking the line truly worth it or should we say screw the line and just say “Hey you’re hot! If you like me make out with me right now!” ?
So my friend and I had a deep conversation over some sushi and salad tonight. We are becoming surrounded by friends that are engaged and married. I’m 21 and she’s 22 which quite frankly, I think, is too young to wed, but what do I know. We both have parents of the “older generation” who didn’t get married til their 30s. While we agree that we want to say I do around 26/27ish we thought about it and realized that’s only 5 years away. 5 years is not a long time. We are both in the process of “guy hopping” and neither one of us has had a long term relationship in awhile. Are we destined to become single 40 somethings roaming the city prowling for men a la the women of Sex and the City? While being a single lady has become much more acceptable it seems like the trend of marrying young is making a resurgence. As we jump from one failed relationship to another all the truly desirable men seem to be getting snatched up around us. Are there really plenty of fish in the sea? Because most of those fish seem to be bottom feeding carp. Will we just have to settle for tilapia when we really want rainbow trout? While I know the man I end up with will probably not tick all the boxes on the check list, it would be nice to have one that did. So please Mr. Rainbow Trout come fulfill my dreams! Carp need not apply.
Tuesday has rolled around again so it is time for another piece of poetic diversion.
I used to kiss those lips that now only say “Good morning”
Those hands that once touched me, held mine, and made me feel alive
When she left everything changed
Those lips stopped kissing, hands stopped touching
Our eyes meet but don’t look at me the way the used to
Cold, dark, nothing where there once was passion and fire, burning
Lips forced into a small smile
No more want, need, talk of grand adventures, embraces in the dark
What did she tell you?
What did I say, do?…
Your enduring presence like a specter, a ghost upon my heart
Took a chance only to be spurned
What can I say, do, now?
Ok so I’m back. Visiting my man friend thing wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. While I must concede it was a tad awkward at times (one of his roommates has a child and the baby mama is now his ex…idk) it was good to see him again. Also he no longer incessantly texts me so that’s a positive. However he does live just down the road from another one of my man things (the 27 year old sailor…that’s another story entirely) so that has the potential to get awkward. Then when I was sitting in the rain passing out fliers for my sorority, if that’s not dedication I don’t know what is, my neighbor who I had a thing with over the summer, but haven’t really talked to in awhile came up to me and we had the longest conversation we’ve had in awhile. I have been wishing on every star and 11:11 I get that our little thang would start back up so you can imagine my excitement. I’m being used for my free pet sitting services again by my parents so my little furry nugget will be staying with me this weekend:). Well neighbor sexy boi has a dog too so he said I should bring my four legged friend by his place so the dogs can have a play date. Maybe we can play too? 😉 A girl can dream right?That’s Reggie the furry friend. He looks a little bit different as a middle aged man, but every bit as cute.
Three years. It seems like a long time and it is. Since the theme of my life lately has been to be haunted by the ghosts of relationships past, it’s only fitting that one of those men would decide to text me after 3/almost 4 years. I hadn’t spoken to him since freshmen year of college. We’d hooked up once and it was super awkward and left a lot to be desired. We talked off and on for awhile, but just stopped (he says I stopped talking to him and I say he stopped talking to me). For some odd reason he decided to text me out of the blue the other day to see if I remembered him (why do guys do stuff like that?) and of course I did and of course I still had his number…#facepalm. Naturally being my stupid and at times overly polite self I answered. We’ve been talking since then and of course with my luck he doesn’t live very far away. I don’t really know why, but I agreed to see him this week and now I’m seriously regretting that decision. So we’ll see…stay tuned boys and girls to see what unfolds in this scandalous episode of intrigue, “romance”, and stupidity.
So this probably isn’t as good as Taco Tuesday, but here’s a little something to make you laugh, cry, whatever…maybe even crave a taco…
Let me be the Daisy to your Gatsby
Let me bring that green light home
Let me bring the past alive, rekindle what we once had known
Forsake all others be your darling
Forsake all others be your idol
Yours and yours alone.
Worship me with champagne showers
Stare up at the stars for hours.
Let me change your constellations
Only to bring sadness and desolation.
Inspired by my obsession with Baz Lhurmann’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby. (The book will always be my favorite however.)
So this is my first post/first time using wordpress. I have other blogs floating around all of which are currently on Blogger. Here’s a little secret I made this blog so I could follow another blog on wordpress. Gasp! I know it’s probably some kind of blogosphere heresy, but I found an ebook on Pinterest which led me to finding the author’s blog so here I am. As you can tell from the title this blog is kind of a mish mash of all my thoughts including some travel experiences which I love to share whenever I can. So enjoy and I hope I can at least entertain you somewhat. http://thoughtcatalog.com/book/a-year-without-make-up-tales-of-a-20-something-traveler/ that’s the book.